Why?

That is the question that I must sit here and answer myself. Did I act rashly? Most likely. Do I regret it? That is a question that is entirely too soon to formulate an answer.

For where I was, I was the equivelant of a Matron Mother of the first house of a city. A jub that I never wantedm nor was I qualified for. I have a brilliant, wonderful son, and I was the wife and love of my addiction. That in and of itself, shoiuld have made the little issue of being unqualified to do something, worthwhile to try and overcome. That, however, managed to make me miserable.

I do not have the right temperment to rule a people in Ellistraee's name. It came to a point after so long of not feeling Her tears on my face, that I started to question whether or not I was still entitled to the dance. Where I was and with what I was doing, I could not show compassion, I could not be unjudging, I could not bring others to her light because technically she didn't send her smile there. The moon that was overhead did not show the goodness that I know the Maiden is. Slowly it corrupted my heart, and my song.

I will gregret what my decision will cause the people to whom I've become a cruel mother figure. I can only hope that they understand that it was slowly taking not just years, but decades and centuries from my life. Something that I have already fought to call my own for so long that I am unwilling to sacrafice that much of it, even for the benefit of many. Perhaps I am selfish, but I have been selfless for so much of my life (and not all by choice!) that I felt that perhaps maybe I deserve something small for myself.

Now, none of this that I have mentioned so far starts to answer the why, nor have I exactly stated the what.

This might very well be either the best, or wrost diecision I have ever made in my life. Regardless, it accomplished , I believe at least, something that I have striven for almost my entire life. I am finally my own elf. By asking one final boon of Matron Gia, to lend me what was needed to block the bond between Thaydin and myself, I had, in essence, eliminated the final tie that kept me formally attached to House Navere. Of course, as well, eliminating the only thing remaining that guarenteed my safety within Rivvin Che'el and the compound itself.

This fact was made painfully apparant when Matron Navere allowed her personal house guards to do what they wished with me, and leave me somewhere to die.

I don't blame her or the guards for what they did to me. We have been dancing this dance for so long, that eventually this would have come to this. If Valkryn hadn't been taken by the elg'caress, perhaps it would not have been so bad. However with a touch of luck, this will have been the last time I will have to deal with her.

Well it is pretty obvious that this had not, in fact, killed me. SO what had happened? Really I had taken a gamble and tossed the sava dice. Not that regardless of what happened I would not have recieved the necessary help, but what happened managed to answer many questions that I just found out that I had to ask.

I recently came back in contact with the Barimen family, well part of it that had remained with Lazarus after Amara started walking a separate path. First I happened to meet up with the old wolf himself. Really, that meeting in and of itself was unremarkable except establishing that he and I still considered me part of the pack, the family. With Ameliah lost to chaos, this was questionable. Shortly he made me aware of a few issues he was having that perhaps, I might be able to help with. One of thse things was that his foster son, and my nest mate of sorts, Adric, had pulled himself away from the family with the exception of Chakar and Cian, and there only speaking to them in the official sense.

Considering the fact that I felt the exact same way, though I had the presence of mind eough to find out the truth as soon as an oppertunity presented itself, I would be a good candidate to speak with him. That, and the levely facct that he would be more likely to talk to me, sine I am more removed from the family; almost the same kind of attachment Adric has himself. As much as I didn't think that he would speak with me, I agreed. Apparantly, the wolf knew something that I didn't.

Between one of the twins getting in touch with him, and his tracking me down, it only took a few days, but we discovered that if we were going to have this discussion thatwe had to have it would have to happen in a place where certain distractions couldn't come into play. We borrowed the Barimen estate.

I will admit here and now that during that meeting that, in a sense, I wasn't completely honest about my range of emotions. Now, this isn't to say that I lied about them, I knew that Adric was much too -shall I say emotionally delicate- for that not to backfire on me when (not if; when) he found out about it. I exaggerated my emotions from how I would have reacted had i been myself to elicit certain reactions from him.

That might have been wrong of me, especially since another miscalculation (seems I have been making a lot of them lately) made all of that irrelevant.

He kept acting like I was going to gut him flat out right there. Then again, I had more than my fair share of knives on me, so I can't really blame him. I was getting sick of it, I almost always am harmless unless I am in one of my moods, and nowhere in the conversation had I gotten to that point. Therefore, since he was expecting me to put my blades to use, I did. No, I didn't stab him, but I feinted chucking one at him, getting a very sore wrist when he shifted to his metalic state to protect himself and grabbed my wrist.

My previous meetings with him, prior to the whole idea that the Barimen family split in two, has always been personal and intimate. Each learning much about the other. Neither ever afraid of the other, and that in and of itself was why this meeting had become so awkward. He was acting like my entire intent had been to bite his nose off. As much as I probably would have tried if he continued to be afraid of me, it was ludricrous that he would think that. He was one of a very select fewthat I would sleep without a blade under my pillow as there was the chance that, if I had a nightmare, that I would have diced him. In fact, he had been the one that I have been most vulnerable around, without blades and naked, more times than I can recall. Only slightly less so than Thaydin himself, and that before bonding.

After Adric realized that I never had a blade in my hand to begin with, I simply told him to react to what I have done. I have been a blind fool not to have the slightest clue of what his reaction was going to be -he kissed me-.

Let me say that he had many oppertunities in the past to let me know his heart. Most of them would have been more oppertune than the one he had taken. Before the bonds first with Amy then with Thay might have been nice, less complicated for certain. Of course, in retrospect, my blindness was due to needing to be smacked in the face with such things to realize it. In my mind, no approach means no feeling. Adric hadn't had a reason to react before now that I dared him in a manner of speaking.

This brings me back to my decision to block the bond I have with Thaydin. I'm still not certain as to the wy, but then again I can answer the why then. I am under the impression that this is actually something that I decided to do a while ago. This apparantly was something that I needed to do. THe difference between then and now is enough that my connection to Thaydin, and in turn the Oasis, was preventing me from doing what I needed to do, that I needed to be free of ties so that I was capable of reacting myself. Despite everything, I am a child of the Prime Material plane, and in that lies my heart and my life. WIthout being here, like I said before, I was miserable. Needless to say something needed to be done.

Another thing I am realizing is that perhaps there has been something lacking in my life. Almost everything I have ever done had been planned. I know that would sound laughable to most who know me, but whenever I had a choice in the thing I weighed things against hte others before doing it. Certain decisions must be lieved with for many years, and I always looked to the long term implications of my actions. I am starting to realize that in doing so, I had been limiting the scope of my experiences insomuch that I haven't been living my life to the fullest.

It has been many years since I sat in a tavern and enjoyed the bustle there. My flute and tales are in desparate need of being polished. It has been much too long since I simply enjoyed myself for the sake of enjoyment. I need to find again just what it was that had made my first years on the surface so enjoyable. There used to be many things that made me break out in song, just for the sake of doing so. Siyo, that is what I must do again.

Now what does any of this have to do with the once lost foster son of the old wolf? Really it is quite simple when it is looked at from a certain angle. He showed me what I had been doing wrong by answering the new questions I had.

As I laid there, braely concious and stripped of most of my hide, I tossed the sava dice. This manifested itself in a desparate call to just about the only person alive that would pick it off the wind, since I was too weak to do so properly. That call was picked up by my son and apparantly excuituted perfectly, as far as I have been able to discern. With that information, Visus had anaged to contact Adric through something that was given to me, and I had left with him when I went to Navere, as I was certain that it would have been taken from me. Good thing that I did.

The dual spiders came face up when Adric, armed with the information I managed to depart, plucked me from the badlands in which I had been deposited, and subsequentially nearly burt himself out on trying to fix me fully himself. This act opened him up to me much the same as a spring opens up to a lake, or the sun opens to the sky at the begining of a new day.

He was willing to risk everything simply to protect me, without much more than a glimmer that it would do him any good to do so. Despite the fact that I do not know exactly where things might go with him, where my mind (or heart for that matter) lies in regards to him. Perhaps he, with that kiss I wasn't expecting, also tossed the dice with me.

Of course the next task will be attempting to quell the pack from retaliation, as least so far that the children of Navere, the only ones from the house that I would be quite cross if they were harmed. This includes the youngest whom I have yet to meet. Thy are, it seems, of a different stock than their kin, and therefore are innocent. Not that what was done to me was anything other than the payment of a favor. I hold no ill will though, I know if misfortune smiles once again upon me and leads me again to Navere, that the sava pieces will no longer be in the old familiar configuration.

All that notwithstanding, for the time being -and not just because currently my physical faculties require me to do so- I will remain where I am now, as a daughter of House Barimen and figure out just exactly where things stand within myself with Adric. Right now, he is the source of my security and my enlightenment. I can only hope he reamains as patient as he already proved himself to be and perhaps understand that regardless, I will once again find myself uncomfortable with formal titles. Even those that I seem to take on myself.

Until then, I will scry within myself to find out what figures will show on the dice and enjoy myself until then.

To thine own self be true.