Crossroads

There are times that I sit here and wonder if its all worth it... If there is a point to it all? No, I am not regretting that I still breathe, but that I still care. I sit with a nerverending workload in front of me, not to mention the rasing of my beloved son, and if that wasn't time consuming enough, the life that I refuse to let go of still hearkens me to be that which I once was.

Am I still that same elf that would drop everything just to help a freind> Am I still the same one that has the same odd sense of what family is and will put that above all? Am I still an elf that has a cause to hearald? Or has that all been lost under a mountain of detachment and duty? Am I meant to be nailed down thusly? Do I even understand what happiness can be anymore, or is that now lost?

There are things now swarming around me that bring me to these questions and threaten exactly what I have been striving for these last years. I find myself wondering if I have come to yet another end> The start of another lifetime perhaps, or maybe I stare blessed oblivion before me.

Valkryn is alive and not under the elg'caress's dominion.

That alone has be staring right at the wrong end of a mage's fireball trying to decide whether to let it hit head on, or leap from the way and sort through the pieces later. Maybe I should just run, hide from it and let what happens happen. He did afterall steal my son and any fate that comes to him that is of ill fortune would be well deserved. I already know that if he crosses paths with Thaydin, that only one of them would walk away from it. It's obvious that the Weapons Master that we knew is long lost to us for the time being, and it is doubtful that he will return as he once was. The question then would be which one is the more desireable. If either is desireable as the true question is whether or not he is still fit to live. Of course, sanity for Valkryn would be desireable if Thaydin were to take his life for his crimes. What better justice for him to repent for his sins when he takes his last breath. Then there is the realization that Thaydin, the father of my son, might not survive the meeting.

Can I survive what is happening? This in and of itself I don't know. Do I pull away and just wait and see what happens? Perhaps, that is more wise; aloof detachment, as regardless of what happens, this will be an end of some sort.

But what of my oasis, my family? Was I a fool to think that I, a rothe, could be content in my life? As I look at the past, I wonder if forever, for me, takes on a different meaning. That it is, in truth, at least so far as my perspective, a few short years. Perhaps the fates have some sort of vendetta against me for cheating them of something.

I stare at the cruel face of oblivion yet again. Yet perhaps this time I have a crutch that will carry me through, that will allow me to grab at a few of the fraying strands before they fall, inexplictedly, out of reach. Then again, that could just be another delusion to cling to desparately.

Yet I sit here and ask myself do I care?

I am a beacon of malady for those who get close to me. I will do what I may to make amends, pray to the Maiden for the best and brace myself for the worse. The fact that the worst comes is inevitable really as it happens time and time again. Many ends... few beginnings.

I stand at a crossroads, one road leads to contentment and the other to tragedy. I know not which way the will will blow me but I already now, both raods lead through chaos and I am ill prepared.

---- Fair Ellistraee, goddess of bright night, guardian of the dance and whimsical melodies; lead your child's steps through the chaos before her so that she may once again see the smile on your face and reflect it upon the planes; for there are many who are without the sacred gifts of the hunt, the dance, and the song. Guide and guard her way through the stroms ahead. Protect her smile and teach her that which she needs to learn for she is still yet a lost child, afraid in the strom. This is all I ask so that I might once again lead those astray to the safety under the stars........

May the gods have mercy on us all.